When you are in the the healing biz, such as myself, you run into lots of folks who are involved in MLMs. Go ahead, ask: "What are MLMs?" Can you say Multi-Level Marketing? They used to be known as pyramid schemes.
It's so ubiquitous that even Biscuit's obese aunt in Indiana is pushing some pharmy-grade digestive enzymes at church. Let me explain. There are products out there that are so good that they're not available to common folks that still purchase things in stores. No - these things can only be bought and sold by those who insist upon obtaining the purest of pure...be it vitamins, beauty products, weight-loss supplements, magnets or Noni juice. Ever wished you could eat seventy servings of fruits and vegetables in the form of just one pill? Your prayers have been answered: get with Juice Plus, fool! Ever wish you could have magnets in your shoes? Or, better yet, in your mattress? Imagine how well you'd sleep. Wouldn't it be nice to have access to such high end products? Friends, if your want to get your hands in some ionic mittens, I suggest you obtain a membership. Can I turn you onto Nikken?
Your life has likely been touched by one of these products buzzing around your office space. Or, maybe someone you know had an out-of-work sister who decided she wanted the freedom of working for herself. Ever heard of Advo-Care? Usana? Ameri-Sciences? These are all brands that have waltzed into my life over the past 10 years. These brands call themselves "nutri-ceuticlas."
Get it? Such precision and purity goes into these supplements that they're pharmaceutical grade. You need only to leaf through the distributor mags so that you can see the medical experts with names like Dr. Carlos Montesinos who are formulating the 'ceuticals. In fact, NASA depends on these products to keep their astronauts alert. Also, the mags let you meet the distributors who were once miserable like you and now gross $100K and have time for their families and 18 holes of golf each morning. Oh, and no problem if you want to drive a Mercedes. If you sell more than the other distributors, then you're getting one as a gift!
When Bisq surprised me with a three month supply of Usana vitamins back in 1998, Usana was kind enough to keep his credit card on file, so that they could charge the card when each fresh batch is concocted in the laboratories which are typically in Utah or Nevada. Don't you want your vitamins to be fresh? Bisq was turned onto these products by his intuitive reader friend, Doug Hickox, in Santa Fe.
A byproduct of these MLMs are the ordinary people, possessed by the potion, who transform themselves into nutritionists and health experts, who earn their degrees by investing $1000 into the company's inventory. And they can be awfully stealthy, too. One might be your waiter at Houston's who goes out of his way to strike up a conversation with you. He somehow gets on the subject of how Noni juice cleared up his acne and, next thing you know, he wants your business card. He asks if he can stop by your office sometime or if you'd like to go have coffee. Bisq and I get blind-sided and, like the twasted robots that we are, agree to whatever he is suggesting. Sure enough, the phone rings at the office and it's him. "Wanna meet for 20 minutes over coffee?" Now, in that situation, I can lie and be done with him.
But, at least 2 or 3 times, I've been taken into the dreaded "coffee meeting." It ain't pretty.
While in Atlanta, I was part of a very twasted networking group called PowerCore. Google it, cuz I can't explain everything I'm bringing up today. The meetings were at 7:00 AM on Thursdays, and the mediator actually had a gavel. After the meeting would adjourn, we each had to make arrangements to meet (for coffee again!) with a member of the group whom we had not yet met with. The purpose of the coffee meeting is to communicate what you do and how they can send you referrals. If I had a nickel for every coffee break I've had with mortgage lenders, realtors, and cheesy guys from AFLAC... Anyway, there were always a few MLM distributors in the group who wanted to hook you on the nutri-ceuticals and psyche you up to start selling it, too.
I met with this one dude from Lithuania named Seguitas Siputis (pronounced Sig-ee-tus Shi-putis) who was high on a company called Ameri-Sciences. Dudes like him thought I'd be a gold mine, if only they could make me see the light. Imagine if they can get an Acupuncturist to stock her shelves with these products...she'll cure each and every one of those patients with these neutri-ceuticals and then all of her patients will quit whatever job they have and become distributors like us. Pay dirt!! I pity the fool with dollar signs in their eyes trying to give me the hard sell. They'd send me home with oodles of samples that usually contained that Guarana stuff. When I met with him at a Le Madeleine in a strip mall in Buckhead (holla!), he had another couple from Ameri-Sciences with him who might as well have been dripping in diamonds. They wanted to show me that they don't just exist in the catalogs. When they aren't cruising around on the S.S. Ameri-Sciences or tooling around in their Benzes, they're counting the money that their underling distributors are making for them!
Top that life, bitches.
When I wasn't getting the requests for coffee meetings from these guys, my own patients were trying to sell it to me! Last I checked, I was trying to sell them things. Ostensibly, that's why I was in business. It didn't matter. These patients were pumped on the potion and thought that fools like me who actually have letters behind their names should wise up and step into the world of extreme health. When would I finally hop on board? It was tough with my own patients. I liked them, and they paid me. A few times I'd throw them a bone and taste some of the Advo-Care fizzy vitamin elixir that they'd leave for me with the receptionist. Upon reading the ingredients, I realized they all contained phenylalanine (nutra-sweet), as well as that Guarana herb. The stuff made me yawn uncontrollably and my eyes wouldn't stop tearing. I'm into a buzz, but that one is so annoying. Does Siguitis Siputis really take all of these pills? What's worse is that these MLM freaks lump my profession in with theirs. They're better off hanging around chiropractors, who are notorious for becoming distributors. They have the cult-like following which supports the MLM industry. Dr. Mike, the most popular dude (and chiropractor!) in our PowerCore group, had everyone on some bogus cleanse and raw food regime. I was the last one in the group who still had a dirty colon.
One caveat here. Before Blake busts me, I'm going to do it for him. I do like a particular water filter and it happens to come from a MLM company. Yes, I'm a distributor - but it's only so I can get the goods for myself at the reduced distributor price. Don't worry, I'll let you readers keep drinking your Giardia-laden, lead, asbestos, chlorine cocktail. If you want a filter, let me know and I'll hook you up with a distributor's number and a sweet commission! See you at the Multi-Pure convention in Salt Lake City next year.
It's so ubiquitous that even Biscuit's obese aunt in Indiana is pushing some pharmy-grade digestive enzymes at church. Let me explain. There are products out there that are so good that they're not available to common folks that still purchase things in stores. No - these things can only be bought and sold by those who insist upon obtaining the purest of pure...be it vitamins, beauty products, weight-loss supplements, magnets or Noni juice. Ever wished you could eat seventy servings of fruits and vegetables in the form of just one pill? Your prayers have been answered: get with Juice Plus, fool! Ever wish you could have magnets in your shoes? Or, better yet, in your mattress? Imagine how well you'd sleep. Wouldn't it be nice to have access to such high end products? Friends, if your want to get your hands in some ionic mittens, I suggest you obtain a membership. Can I turn you onto Nikken?
Your life has likely been touched by one of these products buzzing around your office space. Or, maybe someone you know had an out-of-work sister who decided she wanted the freedom of working for herself. Ever heard of Advo-Care? Usana? Ameri-Sciences? These are all brands that have waltzed into my life over the past 10 years. These brands call themselves "nutri-ceuticlas."
Get it? Such precision and purity goes into these supplements that they're pharmaceutical grade. You need only to leaf through the distributor mags so that you can see the medical experts with names like Dr. Carlos Montesinos who are formulating the 'ceuticals. In fact, NASA depends on these products to keep their astronauts alert. Also, the mags let you meet the distributors who were once miserable like you and now gross $100K and have time for their families and 18 holes of golf each morning. Oh, and no problem if you want to drive a Mercedes. If you sell more than the other distributors, then you're getting one as a gift!
When Bisq surprised me with a three month supply of Usana vitamins back in 1998, Usana was kind enough to keep his credit card on file, so that they could charge the card when each fresh batch is concocted in the laboratories which are typically in Utah or Nevada. Don't you want your vitamins to be fresh? Bisq was turned onto these products by his intuitive reader friend, Doug Hickox, in Santa Fe.
A byproduct of these MLMs are the ordinary people, possessed by the potion, who transform themselves into nutritionists and health experts, who earn their degrees by investing $1000 into the company's inventory. And they can be awfully stealthy, too. One might be your waiter at Houston's who goes out of his way to strike up a conversation with you. He somehow gets on the subject of how Noni juice cleared up his acne and, next thing you know, he wants your business card. He asks if he can stop by your office sometime or if you'd like to go have coffee. Bisq and I get blind-sided and, like the twasted robots that we are, agree to whatever he is suggesting. Sure enough, the phone rings at the office and it's him. "Wanna meet for 20 minutes over coffee?" Now, in that situation, I can lie and be done with him.
But, at least 2 or 3 times, I've been taken into the dreaded "coffee meeting." It ain't pretty.
While in Atlanta, I was part of a very twasted networking group called PowerCore. Google it, cuz I can't explain everything I'm bringing up today. The meetings were at 7:00 AM on Thursdays, and the mediator actually had a gavel. After the meeting would adjourn, we each had to make arrangements to meet (for coffee again!) with a member of the group whom we had not yet met with. The purpose of the coffee meeting is to communicate what you do and how they can send you referrals. If I had a nickel for every coffee break I've had with mortgage lenders, realtors, and cheesy guys from AFLAC... Anyway, there were always a few MLM distributors in the group who wanted to hook you on the nutri-ceuticals and psyche you up to start selling it, too.
I met with this one dude from Lithuania named Seguitas Siputis (pronounced Sig-ee-tus Shi-putis) who was high on a company called Ameri-Sciences. Dudes like him thought I'd be a gold mine, if only they could make me see the light. Imagine if they can get an Acupuncturist to stock her shelves with these products...she'll cure each and every one of those patients with these neutri-ceuticals and then all of her patients will quit whatever job they have and become distributors like us. Pay dirt!! I pity the fool with dollar signs in their eyes trying to give me the hard sell. They'd send me home with oodles of samples that usually contained that Guarana stuff. When I met with him at a Le Madeleine in a strip mall in Buckhead (holla!), he had another couple from Ameri-Sciences with him who might as well have been dripping in diamonds. They wanted to show me that they don't just exist in the catalogs. When they aren't cruising around on the S.S. Ameri-Sciences or tooling around in their Benzes, they're counting the money that their underling distributors are making for them!
Top that life, bitches.
When I wasn't getting the requests for coffee meetings from these guys, my own patients were trying to sell it to me! Last I checked, I was trying to sell them things. Ostensibly, that's why I was in business. It didn't matter. These patients were pumped on the potion and thought that fools like me who actually have letters behind their names should wise up and step into the world of extreme health. When would I finally hop on board? It was tough with my own patients. I liked them, and they paid me. A few times I'd throw them a bone and taste some of the Advo-Care fizzy vitamin elixir that they'd leave for me with the receptionist. Upon reading the ingredients, I realized they all contained phenylalanine (nutra-sweet), as well as that Guarana herb. The stuff made me yawn uncontrollably and my eyes wouldn't stop tearing. I'm into a buzz, but that one is so annoying. Does Siguitis Siputis really take all of these pills? What's worse is that these MLM freaks lump my profession in with theirs. They're better off hanging around chiropractors, who are notorious for becoming distributors. They have the cult-like following which supports the MLM industry. Dr. Mike, the most popular dude (and chiropractor!) in our PowerCore group, had everyone on some bogus cleanse and raw food regime. I was the last one in the group who still had a dirty colon.
One caveat here. Before Blake busts me, I'm going to do it for him. I do like a particular water filter and it happens to come from a MLM company. Yes, I'm a distributor - but it's only so I can get the goods for myself at the reduced distributor price. Don't worry, I'll let you readers keep drinking your Giardia-laden, lead, asbestos, chlorine cocktail. If you want a filter, let me know and I'll hook you up with a distributor's number and a sweet commission! See you at the Multi-Pure convention in Salt Lake City next year.
4 comments:
confessions from bobo:
I bought juiceplus from the lady who waxes my punany.
I bought a huge jar of pills for a colon cleans (vooly you saw this sitting in my living room for about 2 monthes & laughed at me) still have not used it. I am afraid of it.
I want the water filter!
Can I comment on that incredible piece of artwork at the bottom of this post? Id like a 2 ft by 3 ft of that bad boy in color, framed in hot pink, to go in my living room. Water has got to be clean and good to come with a picture of a couple that sexy and in love. Now what is Noni water and whats it got to do with my poonanny?
Bobo's misspellings are always humorous. But "punany"? Isn't it poonany? Punany is just a play on words associated with the vagina, like Aunt Jamima or North Carolina.
Your article is brilliant.The sad thing is I've joined almost every one of these punany ridden cults! my husband just joined ameri sciences! I do believe we just got bent over again.I was with carlos a few weeks ago at a meeting.They are starting to hit south florida hard. Is david koresh our new leader? Great writing....you got anything else?
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